A Guide to Country Club Living

Sleepy Hollow Country Club— Perhaps you know Sleepy Hollow from the famous story of the headless horseman. Nowadays, there are no pumpkin headed ghosts running around, but at the Sleepy Hollow country club, you’ll find plenty of people that seem to have heard their heads carved out— and yet are still some of the wealthiest around. Perhaps you recognize Sleepy Hollow Country Club from Friends and Neighbors, the hit apple tv series in which it play a pretentious club full of corrupt, self-loathing, backstabbing, middle aged healthy white people— or, in other words, itself.

Old Oaks— Gosh, doesn’t the name just conjure up vivid imagery? I can see it now— a huge estate, towering, white, and— oh, that’s just some old guy’s face. And you’ll see plenty of those at Old Oaks, where the boring go when they’re rich and the rich go to be boring. Spend your days playing pickleball— a sport which middle aged people will tell you is actually trendy amongst young people despite its creation for old people. But don’t worry— a little time at old oaks, and you’ll think pickleball’s interesting too!

Century— Have you ever longed to fill out college applications? Do you miss the days of rushing sororities in the south, where everything from the length of your skirt to the styling of your hair was judged? And most importantly— are you Jewish? Well then, you might just be the right sort to even dream of applying to Century— because apply is exactly what you’ll do. Apply, and be interviewed, and get letters of recommendation, and maybe, just maybe, receive you’re invite to pay a shitload of money and get your monthly buffet. Congrats, I guess?

Westchester Country Club— Well, here it is folks, the top dog of country clubs in Westchester, as proven by its name. But don’t let its dominating title scare you—not when there’s so many worse aspects to explore! Like the wait list to get in, longer than your grandma's toenail, or the crowd that goes here. You think everyone in Westchester is Jewish until you show up at Westchester Country club, and then you realize this is where the non Jews have been hiding. Let’s just say the only place WASPier than Westchester Country Club is a real wasp’s nest, and even then, not by much.