A List of Surefire Ways to Get into College

In 2026, it’s harder than ever to get into a college or university let alone one that produces people capable of breaching the impenetrable job market. But rest assured; there are still a few ways to make it.

1. Independent research Top college experts, also known as asian kids who got into Harvard and decided to monetize, restate again and again that every eighteen year old should have completed at least one groundbreaking research project by the time deadlines roll around. Of course, these projects require a mentor, but ideally this should be someone who has achieved significantly less than you and also is willing to write a powerful letter of recommendation.

2. Publish a book Some would say publishing a book is hard. But thanks to Amazon self publishing and Your Father’s Money, it’s easier than ever. Some students have taken to filling a hundred pages with a single letter and simply publishing that. It’s not as though admissions officers have ever read anything in full.

3. Run for (and win) an elected government position Unfortunately, the novelty of this has already worn off since some kid in Vermont’s already doing it. Tough luck, class of 2029. But regardless, being elected to public office will at least boost your chances at admission, if not guarantee it. A word of advice; mayor’s not gonna do anything for you. Shoot for Senator at least.

4. Pay for a mental (or physical) illness diagnosis Though good SAT scores are no longer nearly enough to set you apart in any pool of applications, bad ones— that is, anything below a 1550— will get you a one way ticket to trade school. So how to avoid this? By yourself extra time with a disability accommodation. There are just so many to choose from. Obvious options include ADHD and dyslexia, but more niche diagnoses— like dysgraphia or severe test taking anxiety—are also available. While you’re there, you may as well pick up some sort of cancer or diabetes diagnosis for your essays, and join the 38% of Stanford students with a disability.

5. Win some competitions Standard choices include Math Olympiads, the International Science Fair, Debate, or Scholastic Arts and Writing, but make sure to try some off the beaten path options as well. For example, you could win the Muhammada Alia Contest for Writing About Butterflies by Female Boxers, or the South Hampton Mock Tax Evasions (which is said to have great connections at Harvard and Penn). Nobel Prizes are also an option, though don’t even bother if you get only one.

6. Get really good at a sport No, we’re not talking about soccer or basketball. If you want in with the elite, you have to be elite—at squash, fencing, or rowing. Why are these sports so much better? Because with only a hundred participants each, you’re guaranteed a ranking in the top hundred, something no school can ignore. For the more athletic and affluent, squash is the best choice, while the lazy can become coxswains in rowing. 7. Invent Time Travel While any notable invention could potentially strengthen an application, time travel is by far the strongest. Why? Because it allows you to head back to a time when a 1350 SAT was impressive. When extracurriculars were limited to babysitting and varsity football. When the only people working at NASA were full grown adults. At the very least, if only short term time travel is doable, go back to kindergarten to make your parents start you earlier. In fact, this might be the easiest option here.

8. Buy a building Self-explanatory.