Hey White Ladies? Us Squirrels Have a Bone to Pick.

Look, white lady. I know you think you’ve been preparing for fall the most, emphasis on think because you’ve forgotten your little furry friend down here. Ok, maybe not forgotten, because you have like four gold plastic statues of me scattered around the house, but you haven’t given us the consideration— no, no respect— we deserve. That’s right. You’ve been gathering polyester leaves and I’ve been burrowing deep into hollowed-out trees. You think you have enough acorns? Think again, you bitch. I’ve got thousands— literally thousands. So yeah, let’s just say your place isn’t the most decked out. 

And by the way, I see that new beige cropped trench coat with two large buttons on the front and I raise you 16 layers of additional fat added onto my body. Some of us like to stay #natural without external coats. Ooh. Shots frickin fired. 

Cool stanley cup. Does that help you drink your pumpkin spiced latte? So once again, you need to spend money on something extra for fall spirit, meanwhile mine is built in. That's right. I can eat acorns with just my ever-growing (really, they never stop) two front teeth. So boo-flipping-yah. Oh and! And! I love what you did with your car, hanging fake leaves and stuff on the mirror. SIKE! Yeah, you’re jealous because I have the real stuff. My transportation is the foliage. How fall is that? 

Oh, did you get distracted? With your pumpkin patch? Ok well, I know you had to drive like an hour away to get those pumpkins, meanwhile I only took a short walk across a telephone wire to pick from my acorn patch (which is the whole world because I’m not a poser). I bet you don’t even think of telephone wires, but they’re kind of a big deal for us squirrels. Think about how you have to go out of your way to get your fall stuff, but mine is right here. Who’s the real fall species now, biotch? 

Anyways, I’m just saying that maybe when people think of fall they stop with the performative freaking bullcrap and remember the original fall creatures. Let’s just say no pre-schooler is making a cut out of you right now, mkay? But yeah, enjoy the leaves from down there ladies. We’ll be looking up close.