News & Such

This July was kicked off with the highly anticipated wedding of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, with details slowly being leaked to the press in the aftermath of the event. Confirmed guests cover all ends of the musical spectrum, from revolutionary and defining figure in modern music, Paul McCartney, to… well, Gracie Abrams, whose career has reminded Westchester parents that they can always just buy their child’s way to the top. Comedian Adam Sandler officiated the couple’s nuptials, although insiders say the ceremony was less than perfect. Ms. Swift’s vows, which were made up of a string of her own song titles, were only vaguely coherent, and Mr. Kelce's, which consisted of a string of football play titles, were less so. Quotes one guest “My smoked sausage catched and released your bloated tebow.” Arguments broke out mid ceremony when Sandler insisted the couple smash a glass despite their non-Jewish heritage, and though he tried his very hardest, Kelce was unable. Success was found when he angrily threw the glass into the audience.

Speaking of stubborn perseverance, Love Island’s eighth season in Fiji has come to a close despite dismissing two islanders after old videos of them saying a racial slur (you know which one) resurfaced. Despite these initial setbacks, the victors were Trinity and Bryce, and listen— I only watched so you guys didn’t have to, but let me tell you, it was a landslide. In other love island news, last season’s Nic and Olandria announced their partnership— a term which can be used for romantic relations and is not just for business deals— has come to an end. Olandria commented that despite the hate, she keeps rising, winning, and mogging them haters, and Nic responded “What? Uh, yeah, super sad. Mind if I… thanks.” The couple continues to state that the relationship was one hundred percent authentic, and certainly not driven by what some might call a desire to show racial harmony on a show known for…you know which ones. When asked to comment, show runners threw up their hands and said “we’re beating the nfl.” Hey man, it’s not a competition, but to be clear, the NFL beats everybody, including their wives.

Speaking of great American past times, on July 4th America celebrated its 250th birthday, with comments from a man whose speech was probably funnier than this whole segment (and not in a good way), Donald Trump.

Speaking of piles of shit, New York has been identified as being among the top states for cases of people with Cyclospora parasites, which is a gastrointestinal illness found in lettuce. We at [en]Titled are relieved to hear that not even one of the formerly-fat Westchester residents who started strict, vegetable-based diets in the past few years, resulting in sudden and rapid weight loss, have been affected. New York makes up a whopping 112 of the 145 cases reported nationwide. Some blame Mamdani, but those in his inner circle confirm it was probably the Jews.

Speaking of the Jews, The maccabiah games took place in Israel, with dozens of countries and thousands of Jewish athletes competing. In news completely unrelated to this gathering of Jews, Europe has experienced some of their highest temperatures in recorded history in the past weeks, a crisis exacerbated by lack of air conditioning overseas. It is now acceptable to tell your wife that a French chick is hotter.

Speaking of things you shouldn’t do, Calla Walsh, an American leftist from the Ed Markey campaign, has appeared on Iranian television praising ayatollah Khamanei as the greatest anti-imperialist leader of her lifetime. It is unlikely she will find another leader to her standard, mostly because she’s a woman in Iran. They don’t last long.

Speaking of things that didn’t last long, the US was knocked out of the world cup after a crushing loss to Belgium. Though Spain would go on to become champions, the U.S. did pioneer having our Chief of State use his presidential authority to have a red card overturned. As Belgium overtook the U.S., people around the world were heard using a famous American proverb;“ball don’t lie.”

Speaking of lies, a pilot trainee successfully landed a plane by herself after her flight instructor jumped out mid-flight, killing himself. Yeah right. And OJ Simpson’s hand didn’t fit in the glove.

Speaking of deaths under suspicious circumstances, Senator Lindsay Graham passed away July 11 after sudden cardiac arrest, and his term will be finished by his sister, Graham Lindsay. Many were surprised to find that a family member would be succeeding him without election, but rest assured; this is an age old American tradition of next-of-kinship. Of course, usually it goes to the official’s spouse, but who says South Carolina can’t get a little Alabama with it?

Speaking of the worst U.S. states, Wildfires from Canada have drastically decreased air quality across the U.S., making Michigan have both the worst air quality in the world and the worst college fanbase. When asked to send a message to Canada, residents of Michigan created handmade cards for the firefighters and made sure to ship over plenty of casserole. New Yorkers, who experienced a still significant but much smaller decrease in air quality, sent over a giant cake. Well that's kind— oh. It was decorated with a large middle finger, and when cut open, it was revealed to contain the rats removed by Mamdani’s “clean the city” initiative. Canada has declined comment.

Speaking of New York, Westchester County has announced an exciting new addition to the community that representatives claim will “boost spirits, liven the place up,” and, quote “keep these bitch-ass rich kids occupied and out of our fucking business.” That’s right. They’re introducing Westchester’s first ever comedy magazine’s first ever issue. Oh wait— you’re reading it.

This has been News & Such with Fina Tey and Fimmy Jallon— because everyone deserves real news, but only some are entitled to the funny sort. Until next month.