News & Such: August

August kicked off with the inaugural game for the brand new Women’s Professional Baseball League, with the mission statement of “Creating a league Gayer than the WNBA.” So far, this has been a success. The league currently features four teams, each named after an iconic feminist who coincidentally has a cool and on theme last name. How long do you think they had to look for a New Yorker with the last name Height? Some suggest the feminists may have been planted by league officials anticipating its revival since 1954. In their defense, the New York Ginsburgs would be a much worse name and the city’s kinda trying to move away from the Jewish thing.

Speaking of people we should move away from, Sophie Cunningham got kind of bored of blaming black people for her inability to be good at basketball and decided to blame transwomen instead. Spurred on by her comments, two NBA players with a combined total of zero average points per game have decided to declare for the WNBA draft. They claim to do so in protest of all the dangerous women in college and professional level women’s sports, which happens to be the exact same number as their average points per game AND Cunnigham’s shoe sales before she started grifting. Once again, that number is zero. In an exclusive entitled interview, Royce White, one of the NBA players, expressed extreme concern over the violations of women’s safety that these imaginary trans players pose. “Think of all the women who could be hurt!” He declared. “It just makes me so angry that someone in the future might allow this. So angry that I think I have to beat my wife again.” We all thank him for his commitment to protecting women from physical abuse. 

Speaking of protecting the women important to you, Karoline Leavitt has announced her immediate resignation from her position as White House press secretary following Trump’s attempt at killing her. Okay, fine, maybe that's hyperbolic. He only put her on a decoy plane which he suspected would be taken down by Iran while he and other staffers flew on another one. Leavitt was unable to retrade her soul in exchange for safe arrival, but using her sharp skills in negotiation, she managed to trade that of her newborn baby. Upon landing, she promptly left her position, which is both fortunate for those of us who will never again see her on screen and fair enough. Some of Trump’s supporters even expressed outrage at the situation, before realizing that Leavitt’s child was not unborn. 

Speaking of things that bombed, the Patriot Games have concluded in the great American state of…Ohio, and if this is the first you’re hearing about them, well, it’s the same for everyone else. The winners of the games were Rockland Myers of Utah and Kennadi Fuhrman of Kansas, two names which autocorrect begged me not to type. Many worried that the games, which featured a male and female competitor (tribute) from every state (district) would mirror the dystopian hunger games. Honestly, if that were true, it would probably have been more exciting. Instead, the competitors (white) who got in via essay-writing (MAGA grifting) competed in trials like Monkey Bars, aka “The American Traverse,” Kickball aka “How one  should react if a liberal comes in their direction” and an Obstacle Course aka “The Floor is Gay!”  One of the three spectators present said “I could’ve watched this on a playground.” The other two meant to buy tickets for American Ninja Warrior but made a horrible mistake. In lieu of reimbursement, the competitors joined together in an evangelical prayer.

Speaking of sending prayers, sorority rush is in full swing at SEC schools. Already, the public has been subjected to many videos of future hr employees and nurses doing unspeakable things, like dancing to Kendrick Lamar despite being so white you can’t even call them WASPy.  Those not entrenched in sorority culture have been shocked to hear of students paying up to 15,000 dollars for a sorority recruitment ($500,000 when adjusted for Westchester relativity). These coaches are most known for teaching potential new members the five bs of what to avoid in conversation during rush, which include Blue (don’t vote that way), Big words (too hard to understand), Brains (they don’t have that here), Blacks (they don’t have that here either), and Being from the north (they would rather you be Black). The sororities continue to tout their value in networking which should be extremely helpful in any field of uneducated white people. Which is most of them.

 Speaking of things that make you fear for the state of the world, internet conspirators believe Trump may have a staff member appointed to buzz him electronically when he dozes off during meetings after a clip of this very thing happening went viral. These conspiracies are, of course, ridiculous, even though the woman does dip her hand into her coat whenever trump begins to slip over and he then immediately jolts up. The staffer, Jayme Leagh Franklin  (did they really need the g?) responded to the claim with clear dismissal. “That’s not true,” she tweeted or rather, xeeted. “And even if it were, I would be zapping, not buzzing.” We are glad she is putting more thought into this than the American public did when they elected a man incapable of staying awake through a meeting to lead our armies, nuclear weapons, and nation.

Speaking of snoozefests, August has been a big one in terms of headlines, so make sure to keep disaster and suffering in your evening prayers. This has been News and Such with Fina Tey and Fimmy Jallon— because everyone deserves real news, but only a few are entitled to the funny sort. See you next month!