News & Such: October

The Trump administration has decided not to go through with the United-States’s first public execution in 90 years despite initially making plans to livestream the event. Instead, only the family of the victims of the Ford Hood Shooting will be present, which is of course an ideal outing. “Hey kid, I know you’re really sad daddy’s dead, but you know what will help? Watching a man be shot in person!” Personally, we think the decision to not make the execution public was a good one, because America does not have the theater etiquette for that. People can’t sit through a Marvel movie these days— can you imagine the excitement if all of that death and stuff was real? The poor janitors who only signed up for brain matter and blood would be stuck cleaning spilled popcorn, and people’s chatter would totally drown out the screaming for mercy. Yeah, I think this is one trend that should stay dead.

Speaking of things that can’t stay dead, Christa Pike pulled a Jesus Christ and simply did not die during her execution. After two failed lethal injections, Pike was brought to a hospital and saved, which seems to go against the whole “we are trying to kill her” thing. Following this month’s executions, career advice site Indeed has begun recommending people to move away from executioner as an occupation, stating “there’s no longer any fame in it, and you might as well just be a torturer with all the back and forth.” Pike, now awake and talking, claims to understand the secret of immortality. “When it starts getting hot, run the other way.” We’re inclined to believe her.

Speaking of dubious truths, Katie Zacharia was awarded (and quickly removed from, but we’ll get to that) the role of White House press secretary after Karoline Leavitt retired in order to avoid being fired— sorry, fire-bombed. Zacharia faced scrutiny over her credentials, with multiple news outlets quickly discovering evidence that she never passed a bar exam despite her claims. Zachariah, to her credit, maintains that she has absolutely passed a bar, stating “of course I’ve passed one! I mean not without stopping in for like, a couple drinks, but it still counts!” When clarified that she was meant to be discussing the bar exam, she quickly shrugged it off. “Oh yeah, that? I think I did it one time in like China or something.” While some news outlets report this as another lie, our fact checkers believe it lines up. After all, like most things made in China, her degree is flimsy, fake, and fell apart after five days. Way to disappoint the consumer. 

Speaking of disappointed consumers, Kelly Clarkson took to twitter (ok, x, but I’m not saying it!) to complain after receiving the quote “pretty women treatment” at a shop in New York City when she inquired about buying a ludicrously expensive (somehow that’s besides the point) bird figurine. The store has denied her experience, claiming the bird wasn’t for sale (a likely story). Some believe her reactions may be a result of deep seeded insecurities related to once being big. Big. Huge! Of course, as regular people, we can all relate to the struggle of being denied purchase of our favorite antique birds which cost five figures. She may be a celebrity, but that is universal.  If only we hadn’t canceled Ellen Degenres, we probably would’ve already had her and the shopowner reuniting on air with a very stiff hug. Nice going everybody. Now we all have to pretend to care about Kelly Clarkson AND antiques. 

Speaking of blasts from the past, the French are (surprise surprise) revolting! Across the nation, teachers and students alike are taking to the streets to strike and riot for a better education system, and also crafting one more reason the French are insufferable: it’s a nation full of the kid who asks for extra homework. Indeed, all across Westchester parents have forgone reminding their children of the young girls in Afghanistan forbidden from school and instead chosen to highlight the French students begging for more work. “It’s great because it works for boys too!” quotes one mom. “It’s beautiful to see a people so connected to their ancestry,” says a man who self-identifies as Irish-Norwegian with a touch of German (the good kind). The American government's official stance is “with the good guys.”

Speaking of the good guys, thieves have stolen approximately one million dollars worth of 

Pokémon cards from a fedex truck in southern California, and listen—- crime is bad. But C’mon. You gotta let them have this one. They got us. No one thought to secure the Pokemon truck, and that’s on us. These people just saw an opportunity and took it. We thought about making a reference to some Pokemon villains here, but then we remembered we aren’t nerds. Instead, we’re gonna mention how you know the economy’s bad when the Pokemon card had more value than the dollar bill. Thanks Donny!

Speaking of the wonderful things Trump has brought into our lives, Melania Trump has started a women’s health initiative at the White House. For those of you who don’t know, Melania Trump is the First Lady, and no, not in a Michelle Obama way. Critics have pointed out the hypocrisy of the Trump administration in claiming to support women’s health after defunding all demographic specific research but guys, if we all stay very very quiet, they might not notice! Others have scrutinized the timing of Melania’s step into the world of politics, noting that her prior fortes in the public eye, such as modeling, pornography, and Christmas decor videos, were a far cry from this step into actual work. Analyzing this decision, they have come to the conclusion that either she (a woman) is suffering from a disease (healthcare), her husband really is going for the third term, or that something in their contract dictates that she actually has to do something. 

Personally, we feel that if the second is true, at least we’ll have plenty more to write about.

Speaking of plenty to write about, we keep finding it! Not to beg desperately, but we desperately beg you to please subscribe because come on. It’s free! It’s one email a month! We want to get a job one day! Just do it. If you’re not a fan of this month’s humor, well, just imagine us not drunk, not having fun and not experiencing fomo trying to write it. This has been News & Such with Fina Tey and Fimmy Jallon. Because everyone deserves the real news, but only a few are entitled to the funny sort. And Happy Halloween!