News & Such: September

Macklemore has been removed from Ed Sheeran’s tour following comments about Palestine. Many have responded with outrage on the artist's behalf, and many more have asked who still listens to Ed Sheeran? When Macklemore was asked for a statement, he replied firmly that anti-zionism is not antisemitism, and he’s only holding onto the Jew costume “just in case.” In response to the backlash and the departure of his band and all other opening acts, Sheeran responded that “I don’t run things, Jews do.” This has not been well received. 

Speaking of bad receptions, Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding reception after party was sponsored by Russian billionaire Umar Kremlev. Guests remarked that it was a strange atmosphere, with a certain Russian-stoicness to the events despite the sparks flying— not between the bride and the groom of course, but between Trump and Putin, who surveyed the ceremony by Whatsapping FaceTime on a large projector screen. Trump (does it really matter which one?) has responded to intense scrutiny with an eye roll and a shrug. “Why do you all even care? What is this, a surveillance state?” He received a sharp kick in the shin from the mysterious, silent Russian man seated beside him before he quickly changed the subject. “I mean, it’s no big deal, stuff like this happens all the time!” He’s not wrong. North Korea is funding Ivanka Trump’s son’s bar mitzvah next fall, and later this year Xi Jinping is expected to host Kai Trump’s rush recruitment party. 

Speaking of things eagerly awaited by no one, Mitch McConnell has returned to the senate after three months absence. Family members confided that Mitch was extremely ill with yellow fever— the real disease and the fetish. Since this experience, McConnell claims he’s had a change of heart—- rather than not believing in gay people’s right to marriage, he no longer believes in gay people at all. So what does Mitch have to say for himself? “I’m here to stay!” He admonished in an [en]Titled exclusive. “The day I die will be the day after my enemies do. So tell them yankees up north I’m coming for ‘em!” He then pulled out a whip from an unspecified location (let’s just say his suit had no pockets and he had to go digging), and was quickly removed from the press room. 

Speaking of strange media choices, in anticipation for their rivalry game against the University of Kansas, Missouri decided to guilt trip the opponent's fans into rooting for them by pointing out that Kansas had once been a slave state. It might’ve worked if Kansas was in California. While innovative, this strategy took a sharp left turn when Missouri lost, leading to some confusing implications. Throughout the south, people who claimed their confederate flags had nothing to do with slavery began loading up their guns which were only for hunting and nothing else. “Told ya I’d do it!” Said Mitch McConell, before dropping into another three month coma. Luckily, national outrage has been avoided because everyone thought Missouri was a slave state anyway.

Speaking of national outrage, the only woman who conservatives seem to like, Sydney Sweeney, is once again under fire due to an ad campaign, except this time it really isn’t that bad. Sweeney had been criticized for posing nude with a pair of footballs and a hockey stick which does not seem to be regulation. Female athletes have responded with outrage, claiming that she is “sexualizing female sports,” “disrespecting dedicated women athletes,” and most importantly, “endorsing non regulation hockey sticks.” While almost all female athletes are disappointed and/or angry, Sophie Cunningham has shocked her audience with the most fervor of all. “It’s not fair that she just swoops in here and becomes the conservative white blonde pretty girl in sports who grifts off anger!” Sophie shouted into a livestream. “She’s never had to actually play basketball!” Oh, Sophie. Neither have you. But don’t worry, no matter whether its Sweeney, Cunningham, or someone else entirely, the media will continue to make sure women’s sports are always in the conversation—- just as long as women’s sports are never in the conversation. 

Speaking of women in the conversation, Lindsay Clancy’s world-watched court case came to a mistrial when one juror refused to claim reasonable doubt. The juror has received praise (and 350,000 very ethical dollars) from men online following the trial’s devolution into a gender war. According to twitter user @bigtitlovuh111, “It has become completely evident that all women are simply waiting for a chance to kill their children and it is literally their only goal that they plan for from childhood. My mom was mean and now I know why. We should lock all of them up and let me be in charge of them please.” On the contrary, user @ihatechildrenbad1998 has written “actually Clancy literally never did anything wrong and if you disagree ur antiwomen. Also her husband probably did it anyway.” Both sides were shocked by the outcome, with the single juror stating that he was absolutely 100% sure she premeditated the murder. When pressed by the media afterwards, he kinda shrugged and stated “I mean like, it's just a feeling." We thank him for his service.

Speaking of bad service, a communist mask-mandate lesbian bar in Massachusetts has received bomb threats from their community after opting to add one (1) mask-optional night per week. The bar, which is pay-optional and recently lost an owner to clown college, has come under fire for supposedly threatening the rights of disabled patrons. Owner Jackie Matellian tragically stated that in order to try and keep the bar afloat, she had resorted to the one night of optional masking to bring in new clientele (rather than the alternative, which was asking people to pay for their drinks). A note: while many stories are exaggerated and satirized, there was literally nothing we could think of that would make this one funnier. 

Speaking of being funnier, we sure hope we keep heading in that direction. If you like the magazine (and our news updates) try a subscription, or at least mark your calendars— we always publish the last day of the month. This has been News and Such with Fina Tey and Fimmy Jallon— because everyone deserves real news, but only a few are entitled to the funny sort. Until next time!