Stephen King’s Guide to Getting Your Westchester School’s Homework Done in One Night

Lots of people think homework is outdated. I, Stephen King, neither dispute nor concur this fact, but I know how to do it, and to do it fast. Your school probably has a rule, say, five hours of homework per class. You, the average Westchester student, probably take around 6-8 classes, leaving you with thirty to forty hours of homework a night. People think this is a lot, but those people are either a) not good students or b) not good enough students. 

The number one thing to remember, before you tackle your homework, is that the task you are seeking to achieve is impossible. No homework is ever done; no homework is even done for now. Homework is always incomplete, never checked, and yet always necessary. It exists as a tree falling in a silent forest. If homework is complete, and yet unchecked by a teacher, is it complete? And yet, if incomplete, automatically it will be checked. Therefore, homework is perpetually incomplete. 

To start, you will need a few supplies. A pencil and paper, nowadays, because the computer leaves room for doubt of AI. That is, unless you are using AI, in which case the computer is the only thing necessary. A textbook is recommended, as well as a grammar book— regardless of subject, this is important. A beverage of choice—for me, beer, for you, whatever kids drink these days. More importantly than what you should have, however, is what you shouldn't. Remove television, wifi, cellular service, trinkets, toilets, temperature controllers, and any other distractions. I would remove all those fidgety toys too but I’m not allowed to say that in case you “need” it, not that anyone does, but I’m not allowed to say that either. Next, remove all adverbs. Now you may be ready. 

The next step is optional. It is to do cocaine. This is very helpful but I am not supposed to tell you that. 

Finally, you must get started and—this is very important—do not stop. Do not look up. For female studiers, tie your hair to a hook, so that anytime your head starts to droop it yanks you up again. For male students, just focus or something. Always keep in mind that no matter how much you do, you will never get smarter. A smart person is born, not made. You will only get more numb to life. Use this as motivation or something. To be honest, I don’t know much about this part because the way I do it is with cocaine. 

Do not sleep, eat, shower, or use the restroom. If you follow these steps, you should finish at least some of your homework, but remember, it does not matter. It is very likely that all this homework will have little to no effect on your life. Cocaine, on the other hand, will.