The 13 Step Evolution of a Sixth Grade Relationship

1. A girl develops a crush on a boy who is in the opposite-sex popularity equivalent of her friend group.

2. The aforementioned boy either a) reaches the stage of puberty in which he becomes attracted to girls (rare) or b) becomes aware that boys in movies often have girlfriends and therefore comes to the conclusion that he, too, should have one.

3. A complex network of communication evolves between girl and boy most reminiscent of a long game of telephone, or the conversation between two UN delegates who do not speak any of the same languages. Eventually, word gets to both affected members that each has accepted the other’s relationship proposal, meaning they have entered the “talking stage.”

4. Boy closely follows advice found on Youtube Shorts and texts girl “good morning” and “good night” each morning and night for approximately a week. This is their only conversation throughout the day.

5. The boy asks to take the girl on a date. The will of course be a double, triple, or quadruple date with all other members of friend groups in relationships, because otherwise it would be weird. The date will consist of the girls speaking to each other and the boy speaking to each other, with no crossover. However, this will be a massive success.

6. Boy will bring a sweatshirt to school and present it to girl, who will wear it frequently. In some cases, she may exchange a hair tie for this sweatshirt, which he will wear on his wrist.

7. Girl or boy may experience a birthday, which will bring discourse about age gaps in relationships. At this juncture, it is of extreme importance that an unnecessarily expensive gift is presented to the celebrating party. Research shows that girl will likely receive jewelry, while boy will likely receive cologne (a subtle message).

8. Rumors will begin to stir that the couple may cross the ultimate physical boundary— the hug. Before this can be done, however, the couple will exchange “I love yous” over text for the first time. It will be an intimate moment, long foreshadowed by a string of less serious “ilys.”

9. The hug will be scheduled. During snack time, the couple will appear, each flanked by friends of their sex. The best friends of each member of the couple will meet and begin whispering to each other, before coaxing their friend into the middle. Finally, the couple will briefly wrap their arms around one another, to cheers and applause from their supporters. This is the highest expression of sixth grade love. 

10. The boy will forget to say good night one night, or worse, text “gn” instead. 

11. Slowly, the couple will begin to drift apart. In some cases, they may have an awkward discussion in person (they have both read that breaking up over text is very bad). In many others, however, cheating will occur. Examples of cheating include: texting a member of the opposite sex that you like or love them, hugging a member of the opposite sex, wearing the sweatshirt or hair tie of a member of the opposite sex, or speaking to a member of the opposite sex. In either case, the couple will break up but remain in proximate friend groups.

12. Within 1-2 weeks, the couple will each have moved on to other members of the same friend group. This will not be awkward or heavily contested. They may have sassy arguments, but will remain generally on the same level of awkwardness as before their relationship.

13. Years pass, and the couple will each revert to sixth grade awkwardness at any mention of relationship. In this way, they are forever united.