The Detective's Billiards

Int. Billiard’s Room–night

A group of people gather in a billiard’s room. There is the ARNOLD, LOUIS, and SANDRA. All are wealthy and old-fashioned looking. 

DETECTIVE enters, slamming the double doors wide. A crack of lightning illuminates the room.

DETECTIVE: I am sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you hear, in the room of Katherine’s murder, exactly a week from her death. 

SANDA (drawling, puffing on cigarette): Well I presume it’s because you either solved the case—

LOUIS: Or you’re dropping it for good. 

DETECTIVE: Precisely. You see, I, once again, have done it. 

ARNOLD: Preposterous! Just yesterday, you declared the trail as dead as my poor, lovely, elegant—

SANDRINE: Arnold, darling, you are in a room with your mistress, your wife’s mistresser, and a detective. No need to list all the adjectives.

He falls silent. 

DETECTIVE: But alas, Arnold, you are correct. Yesterday, I thought the case was unsolvable. 

He walks to the pool table, picking up a stick and testing its heft. He lifts the triangle.

DETECTIVE: A game, gentlemen? And lady, of course.

Shrugging and huffing, they each pick up a pool stick.

DETECTIVE [setting down cue ball]: Where was I? Ah. The case seemed impossible. [he lines up his shot]. Until I realized I needed to break it apart. 

He punctuates this statement by hitting the ball— unfortunately, he mostly misses, so that it only rolls very slowly towards the triangle, hitting them but barely seperating them. Everyone at the table frowns, but then Louis pipes up. 

LOUIS: So, you know who did it, Detective?

DETECTIVE: Exactly that. And I know why, and how. We just need to reveal it. You’re up, Louis.

Louis looks concerned, but he focuses his attention on the ball. He pulls back and hits it, but messes up, sending the cue ball in the air and then landing it back on the table with adull thud. 

ARNOLD: Might I presume, then, that you’s decoded the letter?

He follows the question by taking his own shot, but whifffing the cue ball completely. He winces.

DETECTIVE: The letter is useless— a red herring, planted not by Katherine, but someone else. Sandrine.

Everyone looks in shock to Sandrine, who takes a drag from her cigarette and then leans down, seductively hitting the pool ball. She barely hits the cue and it rolls into nothing. The shock disappears for a moment as they all judge her shot, including her, but then they resume.

SANDRINE: Yes, I wrote the letter. Fine. But only because Katherine told me to. It was the eveening before her death, and she came to me. She told me she knew about myself adn Arnold, and asked me to do this one thing for her— and all would be forgiven. So I did, adn told Arnold.

DETECTIVE: Exactly. And by doing so, uyou placed the nail in the coffin. Like the eight ball, rolling into a pocket.

He aims his cue ball and shoots, clearly aiming for the eightball, but he misses, hhitting the cue ball into the pocket instead. He then has to go around the table and get the cue ball out in an awkward silence. 

LOUIS [placing ball down]: So? Who was it?

DETECTIVE: My dear friend, it was not a crime of passion, nor of jealousy. No, this was a cold-blooded kill.

As he speaks, the others take their turns in pool, each failing spectacularly. It is the detective’s turn once more.

DETECTIVE: All of you have commited crimes in the past week. All of you— even Katherine—

He whiffs the ball once more. This time, he sighs, putting a hand on his head. 

DETECTIVE: This is really killing my shtick. 

Everyone nods sympathetically.

DETECTIVE: Should I just say it? I’ll just say it. It was Arnold.

SANDRINE stands gasping, but then sits back down with a shrug.

SANDRINE: You’re right, not the mood. Is it, like, true?

ARNOLD [nods, shrugs]: I mean, yeah, guilty as charged [holds up his hands]. Sorry everyone. 

LOUIS jumps to his feet, wielding the pool stick like a sword

LOUIS: I loved Katherine. How dare you sit there and— Gosh, I mean, I can’t even hold this thing properly. I’m just not feeling it. 

DETECTIVE: Do I even do the long explaination monologue?

ALL [shake heads, laugh]: Nah, you’re good. 

ARNOLD: I mean, do we even call the police? 

LOUIS: No, yeah, I think we should stick with that one. 

ARNOLD: Isn’t it a bit dramatic? For the vibe?

SANDRINE: Nah, don’t think so. [in joking tone] I mean, you did murder your wife.

ARNOLD: Alright, alright, I surrender. I mean, wouldn’t it be crazy if I just ran right now?

LOUIS: Pretty sure there’s police outside. 

DETECTIVE: Not so sure about that. I was gonna call them right before I said the name, but you know, we skipped some things. 

LOUIS: Nah, get it man, just wasn’t your day. Or any of ours.

All laugh. 

ARNOLD: So, I could just run, right?

LOUIS: I really don’t want to have to chase you. 

ARNOLD: Don’t worry about it. That’s just too much right now, you know? Alright, see you never. 

He begins to sort of awakwardly run to the door. As soon as he leaves the others kinda look around. 

DETECIVE: Should probably grab him. 

SANDRINE: Probably. 

DETECTIVE begins to leave with a groan, he turns back.

DETECTIVE: Maybe when I get back we can try ping-pong?

End